“Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.” Eric Hoffer

I don't want to think. Brain waves = _________________
Or feel.

I remember standing upon my rooftop years ago. My little weird place to retreat from all the shit in my life. It's odd...the feelings of being empty at 16 return to me at 23. Anyway. On that rooftop, I used to love to stand at the edge and look down. I never contemplated jumping (well...perhaps I did for the curiosity of it...because I like to think of weird shit like death). More than anything else, it was the thrill of being on the brink of something dangerous.

I remember taking off on runs at 2 in the morning, running for miles and miles on nothing. Scared my parents to death. Down dark roads. No food in my stomach. The whole time ignoring the fact that my body wanted to shut down. I forgot about that. Until now of course. I just don't give a shit what my body is feeling. I was and I am on the brink of something dangerous. Fascinated by being close to death and having the mental control to let myself get very very close - but not to the point of letting go. Scary thing is, is that I've been warned about this. This entire moment in time, what I'm doing to myself, and to others. I made a promise to God that I'd never do this to myself again. I felt a clear response to my prayer.

I'm not meant to be loved or trusted by anyone. I've said it many times...I should not ever be trusted. I only end up hurting the people that love me. Often times, I don't care if I hurt others. I am not good inside. I enjoy making myself numb. That's no fun for anyone else.

Perhaps I am just selfish. An accurate statement, I'd say.