Pretty amazing how life can transform you into a completely different person than the person you were as a kid, or the person you were 5 years ago, or even 2 months ago. I remember when I could barely raise my hand in class I was so embarrassed. Or the thought of talking to a boy...oh my god. I wouldn't dare! Or the thought that I could be wanted?! Never. Though now I feel a bit of ego burn and I think I need to tone it down a notch or two.

I can't say I've ever been so angry, confident, confused, lost, happy, and sad all at the same time. Daily I feel with such great intensity and I absolutely love it. Perhaps it's just a manic stage, but I am letting go of so many fears. I just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore. The fact that people watch me, look at me, compliment me, whatever - just makes me angry. But I let them think that they're making me happy. They're just being human and that's fine. I use this persona and I love using it. But it scares me that some people are beginning to recognize how incredibly angry I am inside. I don't think many people at work ever thought a little pretty polite chica would throw a mad punch like I do. And spend hours doing it. People realize that my energy has to be coming from somewhere, that it has to be fueled by something.

I think about a lot of things when I workout. I've always used it as an escape. It's really hard to do when you're sad. It's not a priority when you're happy. But it becomes an addiction when you're angry. Realizing that I've been angry for a fucking long time.

I'm so tired of being nice. Of giving myself, or at least as much as I can to others, and then end up being taken advantage of or used in some way. It has happened again and again throughout my entire life. Of course, it's my own fault. I allow it to happen because I can't stop caring. I remember letting the horde of middle school girls cut in front of me in the fucking lunch line so that every single one of those little bitches could get their fucking chocolate milk before me. And guess what I got once I finally got to the milk section?? Fucking 2%. I'm so fucking sick of getting 2%. It tastes like fucking ass and I've put up with it for way too long. I can feel my skin growing thicker as I think about it. The more anger I feel, the more angry I get. (Wow intelligent statement Sara.) I'm not bothered by feeling angry. It's rather addicting and it's kicking my ass into some good fucking shape.

I wonder what it will take to get me to the point where I stop forgiving. Where I stop caring. Where I simply give up on people the moment they let me down. I'm extremely envious of those that can simply let go of people not worth their time. It's a trait that I doubt I'll ever acquire. If only I had an easier time letting go. Truth is - I don't. I don't let go. Of anything. I've held on to things that upset me as a fucking kid. I hold on to memories that are only in the past. I hold on to tons and tons of shit and carry it willingly. Why?????!!!!!!

And then I must end with a contradiction to my question. I like carrying shit. LoL. Maybe I enjoy drinking the fucking 2% milk because it tastes so nasty. Just like I love anger and pain. I need a sport that is full-out aggression upon the opposite sex. Where if I get hit in the fucking face or a jaw broken, ribs concaved, or cracked skull - I wouldn't care. Or vice versa. Maybe I'm kidding....? Or maybe I'd like the fucking attention?

3AM. I love early morning rants. Until next time.