I wonder if I'm the earth, the sea, drifting above it all, or similar to the kami, a part of everything. In Japanese Shinto religion, the kami are a part of all nature, of human beings, those in the past, those in the present, and all that is held sacred. A very idealistic notion. If only we were all part of each other. If only we could love freely and completely without judgment. Without causing pain. Without causing a break between earth and the tide.
When I look at this entire picture, I'm captivated. I cannot move. I'm motionless. Then I realize that I am not part of the earth, the sea, or the sky. I am not part of this place. I am somewhere distant, perhaps leagues below, silently and sadistically drowning myself. Taking pleasure in my sorrow and pain. Who the hell does that? Alcoholics? Yeah. The severely eating disordered? Yeah. Perfectionists. "Winners."
Why am I addicted to being numb?
I could choose to swim. I could choose to let go, break free, and perhaps gain the courage to swim to shore. But, I'm afraid to feel anything. I am numb. I will always be numb. I cannot allow myself to feel. I've been hurt so many times, over and over again, by allowing myself to feel.
So if you're wondering who I am...not even I know the answer to that. I'm lost and I will forever be alone. Think I've convinced myself of that yet? I was trying to convince myself that I did not feel my heart beat recently. Maybe several beats...it was really weird. Seriously. Maybe I'm not waking dead? Maybe I am ... alive? I swear I've been walking in my sleep for years. What's it like to be fully alive? Who am I? Again, don't know. There are things inside that I do not want to face. Yes,
scared to face.
What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us. ~~Ralph Waldo Emerson
