I can't sleep.
My heart hurts too bad to even think about closing my eyes.
Half the time I don't know what's going on.
Feel like the world is upside down and I'm holding on by a thread.

I am such a quote whore.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
--Helen Keller

Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized, but in the end, always found with no regrets, forever valued and kept treasured.
--unknown

The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark
places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands
love is mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.
--J. R. R. Tolkien (Fellowship of the Ring)


It is so true...as love becomes entangled with grief, it begins to change into something so incredibly beautiful and painful at the same time...it almost forms its own entitity, something that I've lost power over (well...I never had any power over it). Because the pawns were thrown. Because of chance? Or luck? Or gravity? And what about timing?? Then I check out the good ol depressing book of Ecclesiastes...

Ecclesiastes:

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


But why the answers Ecclesiastes?? I suppose life wouldn't be anything if we didn't experience love and pain! It wouldn't amount to shit. Everything is worthwhile - even if it sucks. In fact, the most worthwhile feelings or accomplishments...result from much suffering. For the first time in my life, I have the body I've always wanted. I can finally say that...and I've experienced far too much suffering for this result to ever morally ok it for someone else to do (with sanity). No one else would eat so little (under 400 calories) and workout so hard (2-3 a day, 6-7 days a week baby). But it's worth it for me. I appreciate suffering - I know what it can create.

And sometimes its worth it to suffer just to feel love. Love and pain go hand in hand. Truly. You cannot experience something so thought and mind consuming, something so passionate and wonderful without the other extreme...life throws cards at everyone. Sometimes people end up with more pain and love than others. Some with all pain and no love. Some with all love and little pain (I suppose those people consider themselves lucky?? Maybe?).

Well it's nearly 1AM. Gotta catch some zzzzs. Until next time...

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. ~J.K. Rowling