awake

 

learn to love

 

So

 

Collar

 

Scared 

Warm

 

Just thought I'd post a few pics of parts of my body that I coming to terms with. Some I like. Some I have hated for years. I appreciate my facial features, I appreciate my strong legs, I appreciate my muscles. I have always despised my stomach...these pics are a bit more graceful than what I see day to day. However, this is helping me to let go. To see myself as I am, instead of looking in a mirror...I find photography so much more beautiful than looking in a mirror. I take these pictures not out of vanity, but in an effort to learn to love. Since I love art, maybe I can learn to love myself in art.

Love ya.  

Another Tuesday morning

It feels as though routine has taken over my life; eat healthy, workout, go to work, sleep. I yearn for something so much deeper, primarily with Ben. We connect so well, and get along nearly all the time. We see eachother's differences and look past them. We love eachother and vow to work things out whether we are feeling "love" or not. There is just something deeper that we are missing. As I awaken, and try to force myself out of this shell, I see that he is covered. Maybe he is embarrased to express his innermost thoughts, maybe his shell has become more of a barrier - and he cannot see it, or maybe, maybe I am wrong all-together.

See what I mean. Neurotic.

I need to learn to listen and observe, these gifts I already have but they could use some fine tuning. I can sense other's emotions, see it in their eyes, feel their self-conciousness. I often find myself feeling with everyone. With some, it is harder than others. Some of us have built up walls high that we allow no intruders, not even ourselves. I know very little of who I am. Intuitively speaking, Ben knows very little of who he is; how badly he was hurt, pushed around, degraded, and made to feel powerless as a child. I know that he was affected more than what he would ever dare to tell. He also does not realize his potential. He is a healer, somewhat of an oracle to me. I often wonder if he hears me when I tell him how wonderful he is. (I know I often brush off those compliments when they are given to me.)

Well anyway, these are more thoughts to ponder for later. Until then, off to work.

Black and White 

Recovery

I think I have actually, and finally dipped my feet into the shallow waters of recovery. I know that I have to wade out there, over my head to finally be free from this. I will struggle and at times I will just want to swim back to "safety."

The act of letting go is not easy. It is something completely new to me. It is unlike "giving my life to Christ" or "laying my fears down." It is much harder than those things, which I have done in my past. There is something that draws me back to darkness again and again. Sadly to say, there is something very beautiful about despair. Something beautiful about emptiness. Something tempting and secretive, mysterious and radiant.

It is my perception of "beauty" that is greatly skewed. I see thin, malnourished, depressed women as "beautiful." It is not just me. I work with several women, all very thin themselves, some more preoccupied with their weight than others. Undoubtedly, their perceptions of themselves are also skewed. I put in an effort to never say, "I'm so fat. I'm disgusting. I'm such a pig. I can't believe I just ate that. Etc. etc. etc. (all those familiar phrases)" in front of other women. It is catchy. One woman starts talking negatively about her body and all others respond with "Oh I know. I feel so nasty today too."

Yet, I still think those things in my head. It is not until I tell myself, "I am beautiful! I am strong! I am compassionate! I am talented!" on a daily basis that I will be able to help other women recover from their own horribly skewed perceptions. I know that hating myself is wrong. Self-hate keeps me at the shore, it keeps me from swimming out, it keeps me far from danger, risk, and discovery. It keeps me from reaching the lost on the other side. This island that I must reach. These women who are starving, lost, alone and just praying for someone to come and save them. To give them purpose and meaning. To give them hope. To help them feel beautiful and feel loved.